Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The How To Issue: I am wired! Yowza! Sweet Fancy Moses!

How's about them tomatoes?

Wired Magazine is trying to help me increase my page views, set up my room for vlogging (no way), look good on TV (problematical), Turn anything into a screen play, (ha ha), dress like a hipster (a not-very-slim hipster) ya know, if just won't work, crash a party, (what party? People still have parties?) make friends with celebrities (you've got to be kidding), feign sincerity (piece o cake), and yowza, the best for last, Get Internet Famous! Ha ha ha ha. I don't live in New York or LA, see above hipster, party crashing, celebrity stuff. The "nobody" who's Internet Famous is Julia Allison who looks like a sexy young lady.

Freaking crap! None of these paths to fame and fortune will work for a middle-aged woman who could maybe lose a bit of weight and tart herself up some.

Use emotionally charged words. Suck it up! Linux, Lego, Nascar, Tarantino, DRM, Apple. Holy freaking crap, do they mean lego blocks? Leggo my Eggo? Surely not.

Hyperbole is my friend? Don't think so.

17 ways to draw traffic? Sex, orgies, celebrity secrets. That's it. I could make up celebrity secrets! Sex, orgies, lawsuits, sound like an infomercial? WTF?

It's not me. Not even close. O.K. Here's a list:
Stuff I have done so far today:
1) work out - aerobics and weights
2) eat Raisin bran for breakfast
3) read e-mail
4) shower and get dressed
5) let Thisbe onto the porch and back in several times
6) drive to town: go to post office, resale shop, town hall, resale shop
7) read Wired to find out how to increae page views
8) Blog
9) Survey the sad state of my submissions to agents for 3 books. Move 5 "not heard froms" to "never will hear froms." Email one agent.
10) Sneak upstairs to watch The Food Channel and read the August (?) Gourmet
11) Plan this weekend's menu
12) Start Grocery list
13) Read some exchange work of other writers
14) Read Boston Globe, Wall St. Journal and New York Times
15) Googled some Chicago restaurants

Jeez, I'm a productive little dweeb. The list lacks a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain fascination--no naughtiness, no celebrities, no shit.

Hey, I tried.


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