Dog Breath

Driving home on 93 south last night, fender bender ahead. Cop on the scene, Boston drivers wanting to hurry by, not let the other car into their lanes to merge out of the way of the accident. S.O. comes to a halt too close to the cop directing traffic, so close the cop (a big hefty Boston-type cop) may be afraid we are going to run him over. He screams at us, cars honk not to block their way, typical scene except the cop is really exercised.

The words of one of my old managers came into my head, "well, you didn't handle that very well, did you?" Of course wild horses wouldn't have made me utter those words. That manager had the responsibility for reporting sales for a retail operation with far flung stores. We were the IT department. The system that processed the polling from the stores every night was a complicated mess, needlessly complicated mess, and when it crapped out it did so at 3:00 a.m. Whoever had the beeper slept in dread of a middle of the night crisis. New IT employees were put on call almost immediately, and it was a nightmare when the system went down. The manager's favorite expression, said it a tone of hostility, was "Well, you didn't handle that very well, did you?"

Then I thought of another ill-conceived, poorly designed, stupid-ass system that used to crap out in the middle of the night, too. At another job. It processed purchase orders. If all else failed, I just deleted the P.O. from the file. Don't know if anyone ever realized this. The system was not accurate or even used that much, and it never seemed to make any difference. I called the system "Dogbreath" which annoyed my manager because he had given it to a consultant to design and code, a consultant who hadn't a clue as to how our systems worked, especially VSAM files. I won't bore you with old technology, but the phrase needlessly complex can be used again. God, it was a mess. I always got demerits on my review for not showing proper respect for shitty computer systems. Water over the dam. Do I miss IT? Not much. Do I miss getting phone calls and beeps at 3:00 a.m. ? Ha ha. Do I miss technology? Yes, somewhat. Technology could be fun, and challenging and even empowering but I saw so much total crap systems, and design and management that I became blase and cynical, never a good mix in a loyal employee.

So raise a glass to Dogbreath. I had other nicknames which I have forgotten. Just as well. Writing is more fun. Especially when a man with a gun comes through the door.

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