Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Dreaded Christmas Newsletter

I always stated that I would never write one, but over the years I came to see that I was writing the same thing on card after card, so why not write a Christmas letter? Everyone else does. We don't brag about anything, not there's there's anything to brag about. One of these days when a book is in the stores I'll be blowing my horn. So our letter is basically newsy and low key. Nothing anyone could parody. Make sure you write one that cannot be parodied, and you'll be all right. We always include a couple photographs, and some Christmas clip art, and the letter serves the purpose. I write a "real" letter to old old friends.

Our many photographs are kinda-sorta ordered, at least by decade, but there is a box that is totally unordered that has beaucoup photos of kids that were sent along with Christmas cards. My mother, bless her, would have labelled any photo that arrived unlabeled, but alas, I was lax and so we pitched a bunch of photos of we knew not who. Whom? Nobody says 'whom' anymore. It sounds effete.

Effete in Grapeshot's world is a decaf-soy-latte, the ultimate in effete. And flour tortillas (gag). What could be more effete than that? Well, egg beaters. What is with these faux foods? And these wimpy eaters? If you were born in Montana like me, you scorn tea-sips.

We ate the rest of the Yucutan soup for lunch. Two jalapenos with the seeds and pith therein. Chicken, broth, tomato, the last of the cilantro and some orzo and lime juice. Onions, of course. A healthy nourishing soup nothing effete about it. Ole.



Bryan said...

As far as Christmas newsletters, I think it entirely depends...

they can be a fantastic way to stay in touch if written in a MODEST and ENTERTAINING manner....


Waaaay too many holiday newsletters are far too conceited, boring and outright arrogant.

I have a website that has some funny examples (both real and fiction) of holiday newsletters gone wrong: http://www.funnyholidayletters.com

Please email me any funny examples you have with personally identifiable information blacked out (bryan@funnyholidayletters.com)

Noelle Ashley said...

Thanks for linking us to the funny sites! This made me laugh. Can I re-post these on one of my sites:
www.internationaljetsetter.blogspot.com or www.threenewyorkwomen.blogspot.com?

As a writer and avid reader, I enjoy reading holiday letters and appreciate the fact that people wrote more than "Dear Noelle" and "From ____". Some letters do brag, but some are just people who are proud of their families. I am always happy for my friends when they visit exotic places or are honored or have children earning honors. Some people complain too much.

Wouldn't you complain even more if friends sent you negative notes about how life is grim and 2007 is bound to be even worse and anyone who thinks the year will be joyful is a fool?

Just making a point. The tone of a letter can be misinterpreted since you can't hear the person's voice or see his or her expression. Maybe your friends ARE egotistical jerks, but maybe they're just excited about sharing a few good things that happened to them. In a whole year, there's bound to be something to be grateful for. Just watch whom you send it to - some "friends" are NOT going to be proud of you, they're going to criticize your letter on the Internet! Needless to say, these are not loyal friends, they are jealous acquaintances you should remove from your list and if possible, your life.

But thank you again for all the laughs I got from Bryan's satire.