The Company Picnic

My company's summer outing, dubbed Employee Appreciation Day was yesterday. Unlike last year, we were not forced to return to the office at 3:00 p.m. until day's end. Unlike last year, the hamburgers were fresh, not having been cooked sometime in the morning for lunch. So there was the usual big feed under the tent, and some sports stuff for the guys, an ice cream truck, fried dough, and next to the fried dough wagon, the "Wellness tent." Cripes, I do not like the word wellness at all. At the Wellness Tent, they were checking cholesterol after the employees (always called associates) scarfed down hamburgers, hot dogs, greasy Italian sausage, potato chips and the aforementioned ice cream and fried dough. Go figure.

Some idiots had the temerity to talk and laugh while the president of the company was speaking, such an office ettiquette gaffe that you have to wonder if maybe they had spiked their own lemonade or something. He was not pleased.

I hope it's not giving too much away to say that the theme was baseball, this being Boston after all, and we were encouraged to wear baseball attire. In the mad scramble that is my leaving the house in the morning, I grabbed the baseball hat from the previous owners of the company who been the losers in a hostile take-over.

The president said many wonderful things about where the company was going, and the big plans for the future, but the one thing he didn't say was "thank you." Hey, it was employee appreciation day. So, I was glad I wore the "f*** you" baseball cap. It had a certain je ne sais quoi. And the fried bread, which I have not eaten in 15 years since we last went to the Topsfield Fair, sat heavy in my stomach. At 7:00 p.m., still bloated and nauseous, I took two antacids which hit the spot.

The highlight of the afternoon, besides the (urp, belch) fried bread, was the drawing. The confirmed batchelor won the Tupperwear look alike plastic goodies. I don't know if there was a left-over pizza crisper or not. Did not win the Red Sox tickets, did not win the IPOD. Did not pass go.

Aloha

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