An Unusual House Tour

Phooey on garden tours and decorator show houses and real estate open houses. I've seen all the icky batchelor pads on "Queer Eye." What I want is a totally non-traditional tour. Imagine. 8:30 Saturday morning. You get in the car with your list: the old Victorian by the railroad tracks. The rundown place with the above ground pool and two pickups in the driveway. That funky little cape with green shutters and the red trim. The apartment complex on the way to the supermarket. A gentle knock on the door and in you barge. "I'm taking the non-traditional house tour and your house is it." Consider the living room. Is it devoid of furniture with wall-to-wall toys. Does the kitchen have last night (hell, last week's) dishes in the sink. What's on the floor that shouldn't be? Boots and shoes all over? Newspapers? Is the TV on and no one watching? What kind of sheets on the bed? Have the kids had breakfast? Pop tarts? A burnt smell from the toaster oven? What's on the walls? I confess that on my daily drive to and from work, I am consumed with curiosity about some of the houses that I drive by. Love 'em all. The tiny cottages with the big overgrown evergreens blocking the living room windows, the split level with the really weird shingles, the old farm house with the "fresh eggs" sign in front. Next Saturday morning if there's a knock on the door, it's me. I'll bring a bag of donuts.